


Until He Returns

by Selskia



Series: Drabbles, Ficlets, and Other Short Works [1]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, Can be read as Sherlock pining for John, Cocaine, Drug Angst, Drug Use, Gen, Heroin, His Last Vow Spoilers, Mention of Suicidal Ideation, Post-The Sign of Three, Sherlock Relapses, The Sign of Three Spoilers, Unrequited Love, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-17
Updated: 2014-01-17
Packaged: 2018-01-09 01:58:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1140097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Selskia/pseuds/Selskia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just this once. </p>
<p>Just something to keep his mind from ravaging itself, so he can survive the (boring, lonely, empty) days until John returns from his Sex Holiday.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Until He Returns

**Author's Note:**

> Unintentionally prompted by detectivelyd, at her tumblr.

John didn't need him anymore.

_Inhale. Exhale._

Sherlock's fingers move to his neck, deftly undoing the buttons of his battle dress, the best man's uniform. He ignores the blank emptiness in the eyes staring at him in the mirror, that blankness that couldn't be entirely hidden despite his best efforts, even at the reception.

_Inhale. Exhale._

The urge for oblivion was so cutting and clear that he could feel his brain gnawing on itself, deducing in overdrive, wanting to pull and tear at something, anything, that wasn't analyzing exactly how right Mrs. Hudson and Mycroft and old sayings were about how everything changes and John's unthinking dismissal and "You're right," John had said with a grin and-

_Inhale. Exhale._

Deflect. Divert. His eyes settle on a side table -- cold cases. It won't be enough, his mind whispers ominously, but he needs something now, right now, right now.

_Inhale. Exhale._

 

* * *

 

The screen of his phone flickers up at him.

> No murders occurred since  
>  you texted me FIVE MINUTES  
>  AGO. Stop asking. I'll keep you  
>  updated.

He just barely restrains himself from hurling the phone against the wall (there might be a murder soon, there should be a murder soon) and pointedly averts his gaze from the floorboards under the lamp in the corner.

 

* * *

 

Sherlock is out of cold cases.

John is on his ridiculous sex holiday.

Sherlock doesn't understand how no murders have occurred in the past three days.

John is on his ridiculous sex holiday with his wife.

Sherlock needs a crime, something for his mind to gnaw on and consume, something enthralling and distracting.

John has Mary now, he doesn't need < ~~deleted~~ >.

Sherlock can't even concentrate on his experiments, they aren't enough to hold his attention from the dread pooling in his mind, that sickening nausea that threatens to overwhelm him, the < ~~deleted~~ > < ~~deleted~~ >.

John has Mary now, who is incubating a baby for him and < ~~deleted~~ > < ~~deleted~~ > < ~~deleted~~ >.

Sherlock is alone.

Sherlock stares at the floorboards under the lamp in the corner.

 

* * *

 

Before Sherlock discovered crimesolving, Sherlock discovered benzoylmethylecgonine. Cocaine.

Before Sherlock discovered benzoylmethylecgonine, Sherlock discovered diacetylmorphine. Heroin.

Before Sherlock discovered diacetylmorphine, Sherlock couldn't see the point of living.

Sherlock was not a happy child.

 

* * *

 

Just this once.

Just until John comes back.

Just until everything returns to the way it was, Sherlock repeats to himself as he carefully pulls out a nail from the floorboard. Just this once.

Not cocaine. Cocaine sharpens the mind, charging his brain with lightning. It makes him faster, better, brilliant, ecstatic. It makes him more Sherlock, which is the opposite of what he wants right now.

He wants to shut down. He wants to ignore the days that still have to pass before John comes back ( _and they go solve crimes together and everything is normal and nothing has changed_ ) without his brain tearing itself apart. He wants quiet bliss of not caring about

( _his mind palace is so full of redactions and deletions that it's hard to think, to breathe, without running into one_ )

those feelings about

( _and another and another and he can't keep hiding he can't he needs help he needs something_ )

 

* * *

 

Sherlock depresses the plunger slowly, slowly.

_Inhale._

Just this once.

_Exhale._

Just until John comes back.

_Inhale._

Just until everything returns the way it was.

_Exhale._

And everything is going to be fine.

_Exhale._

**Author's Note:**

> While Sherlock on Heroin is a common interpretation of Sherlock's drug use at the beginning of His Last Vow, it's extremely unlikely (according to my friend, who has used his share of not-legal-substances and generally knows about the subject). But it adds a nice bit of drama, and the emotions surrounding it are fun to play with.
> 
> Alas, though, my headcanon has changed, so this is the first and last of smackhead Sherlock. Farewell, you were fun!


End file.
